I conceived Mackenzie in the spring of 2008. Fiona was going to be a big sister and that was so exciting. By the 6th week of pregnancy I began bleeding and I expected to m/c shortly after. But I didn't. We had an ultrasound where Brian and I sat on the edge of our seats waiting to see nothing. There she was. Every beat of that little heart- a miracle. By week 14 I was on bedrest and like the first time we thought we lost her, there she was fighting like crazy. At week 25 she decided she wanted to come. Off I went to Oahu where I spent the next 9 weeks in bed. I was carrying a little girl that lived through the impossible. We knew she was strong. We knew how hard she was fighting. She needed a tough name. Mack.
Mack came at 34 weeks on October 27, 2008. Three pounds eleven ounces of tiny, furry, and fragile love. Almost too hard to look at because your heart hurt too bad. But. It wasn't sad. She'd already survived what we thought was the worst and so we waited until she could suck on her own and we took her home. It has been 4 years. I thought I wouldn't survive those 9 weeks away from Brian and Fiona. Now- four years later I see that I did. Maybe it was her strength I used.
Mack has come with challenges that we wrestle with every day nearly every minute. She takes a lot of preparation and prompting. She needs lots of wipes and soap. She is sticky and messy and fussy about smells and messes. She is quick to flip out and hard to calm. She is noisy and dangerous. She is impulsive and hyperactive. She is larger than life.
However.
Mack is gorgeous. Her blue eyes shine like an ocean that I could swim in forever. Her soft, buttery hair gets stuck in the corners of her mouth when she laughs. And her laugh. I can't even explain how it sounds. She is life. She is someone who has taught me what patience is and what it can be. She has taught me tolerance. She has taught me that one doesn't have to win a medal to be an olympian. She shows me that there are hurdles you can't run around. You have to find a way to get over them. And you can.
We struggle. Every day. Being Mackenzie Rose's family is no easy feat. But I think we do it well. We're going to figure it all out. Eventually.
Tomorrow we will celebrate her 4th birthday. It has been 4 years since she came to this earth to take us on a 4WD ride of our lives. I would change things to make them easier if I could...but what if her challenges are what make her become an amazingly strong and empathetic human being? Perhaps it is all in her plan. Regardless- it is life. We're helping her live it. Or maybe it's the other way around.
I have learned something about determination from my daughter. Recently she came to me telling me that she really wanted to play with her friend "E" but couldn't because she always plays on the monkey bars- and Fi didn't know how. Fiona decided she would learn how to get across the bars so she could play too. I told her that we could go outside every day after school so she could practice alone. And we did. Every day she would walk into my classroom, beg for a snack, and then beg to go out and practice. She would climb up the three yellow steps, reach for the bar, and giggle. She'd get the first bar firmly in her hands and slowly take one foot at a time away from the steps. Then-she would hang. She was too afraid to let go. The next day we practiced dropping. No big deal. Then, reaching for one bar. No big deal. Then, she made it to the second bar and got her first blister. The days went on.
One day she made it to the third bar and shared her excitement with one of my teacher friends on the playground who sweetly cheered her on. Fast forward to the other day when I looked out my window to see a pair of glowing green eyes beaming with pride through my window. "MOMMY, I WENT ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE BARS!" It was as if she'd won a million dollars. She begged me to come watch. I went outside my door and as she stepped up the steps to the bars I heard her friends chanting, "Go Fiona! Go Fiona! Go Fiona!" I'm all tears full of pride for my girl. She makes it to the 4th bar and drops. I clap as though she crossed the valley on the bars. She comes back to assure me that she made it the first time but couldn't do it again. After school I see another teacher friend and her niece outside giving Fiona tips on how to gain momentum by swinging her legs. I am tickled by how many people have cheered her on through this learning experience.
I write about this because I saw a little girl who really wanted to do something. And did it. I saw people support her and show her that once she learns to trust herself she can do the impossible. Can you imagine the possibilities?
Perhaps my journey thus far has not been as spiritual as it would have been with the Dalai Lama, but I think it is a close second. I have been a mom for 7 years. I have learned a lot. About myself. About life. About stain removal.
On September 30, 2005 I gave birth to a 6 pound 13 ounce miracle. She was hard to conceive, hard to deliver, and has been a keep-you-on-your-toes kinda girl ever since. Her doctor said that she could see in Fiona's eyes that she was special...at 2 weeks old. She suggested a book about "spirited children" then too. How on Earth did she know?
Fiona has taught me how to appreciate life.
- She has helped me learn that it is OK to leave the clothes unfolded and color instead.
- She has taught me that all the things I worry about are many times not worth the trouble.
- She has taught me that my mother was really not that old and still remembered middle school like it was "yesterday".
- She shows me every day that no matter how loud I yell, childhood is going to make me late for work and I somehow survive.
- She has altered my hormones so that I cry every time I smell her hair, brush my lips on her soft cheek, or make eye contact with her from across the playground.
- She has helped me realize that childhood goes way too quickly. Just like everyone always says...but you just don't believe it until you get through the 2's.
- She shows me every single day that the world needs more empathy.
- She helps me remember to keep myself healthy so I can watch her grow up to rule the world.
I love being Fiona's mom. I love watching her develop into all the things she is going to be. She wants to be a "mommy, teacher, artist" when she grows up. I love that. She is already an artist. She paints my life every day.
