When Brian and I got pregnant with Fiona, our friend Julie sent us huge bags of clothes for our baby. I was so excited to see all of the fun little outfits and couldn't wait to dress my little doll. I don't think I washed any of it...that dreft wash out the germy allergen stuff is so not me. I just separated it all into sizes, bagged it all, and waited patiently for the day she could wear it all. And she did. Every single outfit.
Today as I cleaned or maybe I should say "attempted to organize" Mack's closet I realized something about hand-me-downs. Julie didn't send me clothes. She sent me memories of her baby. I bet when she packed those large bags she remembered specific days when her little girl wore those same tiny outfits. I appreciate even more that she shared that love with us.
Today when I opened one of the boxes I set aside for Mack, I found three pair of Elmo panties I bought for Fiona. It took me back immediately to sitting on the potty for 30 minutes reading Good Dog Carl to her while I patiently waited for her to give me a reason to dole out an M&M. I also came across all of the pajamas my baby Fiona used to wear when I would snuggle her in bed. I saw the pair she wore when Santa first left her a letter on the table. I cried all over again. I had a good laugh with Fi when we found her favorite 2T bathing suit. She wore that thing all the time. Today when I picked it up, the elastic actually snapped much like a piece of raw pasta. I pictured her wearing it at the Hilton Hawaiian Village standing with her legs stuck in a beach chair giggling her little 2 year old head off. I miss her in that bathing suit. I miss that moment. Whoosh. It is gone forever. Replaced by new moments that are just as special...only different.
Tomorrow when I wash all of the musty outfits that Mack has grown into, I will begin to relive so many special memories of my little Fiona. I am watching Mack grow into the beauty that I have seen Fiona blossom into and then when Mack grows too big, we will pass them on to be loved by someone else.
Today I attended an IEP meeting to discuss the results of a comprehensive assessment the school did on Mackenzie. Today, she was found ineligible for special education services and has been released to a regular preschool. Everyone at the table was telling me how happy they were for Mackenzie and how proud I should be of her growth and accomplishments. And I am of course. But, I am left in fear of what is behind the door we are about to open.
Mackenzie is going out into the real world. She is going to be in a class of 30 small people. I can't imagine what this is going to be like for her. I took her to a friend's house the other night for a get together (thanks Hilary) and watched all the other children there playing together outside while Mack insisted on staying upstairs in a bedroom alone playing with toys. She had no interest in social interaction. I am very curious about how the chaos is going to affect her. Up until now she has been farting in her pantyhose already and has been in a group of 8 students. I am praying that she can do this.
We were told that we need "intensive home support" to help us continue to keep Mackenzie from self destructing. We have been referred to a psychologist to help us get a plan in place for her at home. We need help as she is getting worse before getting better. The school psychologist told us that she scored high in hyperactivity and she is assuming that we will need to revisit when she pops up on the radar. I think we are embarking on an interesting journey of educating our jumping bean. Insert serenity prayer here.
One day at a time.
