I am a mom. I am a doctor. I am a referee. I am a maid. I am a cook.
I am a punching bag.
I actually got punched in the stomach yesterday by the same little bug who grew so comfortably in there almost 7 years ago. When your baby hits you with angry fists, you can either react with anger or cry because you can't stand to know that something is hurting her so much that she feels the need to punish you. I did both.
The battles have always been here. She is full of passion and has always been that way. I'm used to it. I am a step ahead most days. Now, the stresses of helping Mackenzie navigate the world have taken a toll on her. Fiona is carrying an incredibly heavy load as a big sister. As I have whined about before- I too feel a heavy load. So now as I am short tempered, tired, and not quite the most respectful mom I can be to Fiona, I am seeing the same from her.
I have gotten positive parenting suggestions that are helping me talk more respectfully to her. Honestly, ask yourself how respectful you are to your child on most days. I am not as respectful as I should be. I wouldn't say that I am a total bitch- but close. Not all the time. Would I want to have someone talk to me the way I bark at her sometimes? No. Fi wants to be in the middle of everything Mack does and I know it sets Mack off. To avoid Mack's tailspin I nag at Fiona to leave her alone. This makes Fi feel like she can't be a part of what is happening. And so it goes. Every day. I would love to have an evening where my kids bathe together and then snuggle up for the same book. I can't and have come to terms with that. They bathe separate for Fi's safety and then I ask Fi to stay out of Mack's room while I get her ready for bed because Mack is super impulsive and hyper that I can't get her ready with any distractions. All of this translates into, Mommy doesn't want me around and only spends time with my sister so I think I should punch her in the stomach and show her I am mad.
We are working with a therapist to help us parent Mackenzie and hopefully she will also help Fi learn to better relate to her. I am also very aware of what I need to change and am trying.
I am not a doormat. I am not a mean mom.
I am not a punching bag.
Today is the day Brian assembles Mackenzie's new Pottery Barn bed. Today is the first day of the end of babyhood at our house. I cry as I type that. Time is so weird. It goes so fast and so slowly at the same time. Brian and I worked for 3 years to have these girls and suffered through things that made time go incredibly slow. Now, I am sharing a table with an almost seven year old girl who is swimming laps across a pool and who now reads to me in the car. How does it happen so fast?
I feel happy and sad. Mackenzie has come a really long way. We have a long way to go, but I see the growth. She is the child who at her one year doctor visit was told that she may never walk. When a parent hears the words "brain injury" time stops. When it begins to tick again it whooshes by as you imagine all of the terrible things she will encounter because "normal" is not going to be possible. Then when you begin to investigate the possibilities you find that it won't be easy...but it will be possible. By that time...a year has flown by in a blur. The exhaustion of scrambling around with different therapists and neurologists such really wears on you and almost steals time from enjoying your child.
Some of my time with Mackenzie has been spent wishing it away. Wishing that a particular phase would be over. I am in one of those phases right now. Her behavior is very bad at home and is taxing on all of us. There is a lot of stress in our home...along with a lot of love and giggles too. It is hard to balance- so I wish it away. And then BOOM...the time is gone and now she is getting a big girl bed and babyhood is over.
I am trying to live for the moments between the storms here. There are many more calm moments now than there were before. I think each year she grows a little bit more and things get easier (and harder) in their own way. She used to hit her head on the ground and now she stands on the dinner table and throws things at the TV. I will think twice before I shake my head at a mother who has unruly children...and I urge you not to as well. She may be trying with all her might to live a normal life with a spirited child. I am that mom.
Now, I have wasted 10 minutes of your time. The time that is so precious and that we waste doing silly things like folding laundry and washing toilets :). I encourage all of us to put away our laptops and play Candyland more. Turn off the TV and listen to your kids before they don't want to talk anymore. Just yesterday I was explaining to Fiona that one day she isn't going to want me to hug and kiss her at school. So, in between time-outs I will kiss and hug them as much as I can before time passes and I am totally uncool.
Vegetables. I have one who hates them and one who has a friendly relationship with them. Fiona will eat canned green beans. That is her vegetable. Not frozen. Never fresh. I have tried to coax, bribe, hide, and any other tactic involved in getting a kid to eat. And I guess it really isn't vegetables. It's food in general. OK, I'll say it. She is picky. She gets nervous around foods that are not on her list. The list is getting shorter every day. Fiona will eat bean burritos, quesadillas (sharp cheddar only), dinosaur nuggets, grilled cheese, chicken noodle soup, saimin with egg, cheeseburgers, pasta, and very occasional pizza. She likes rice krispies for breakfast or a waffle with Nutella. Adores bacon. She likes apple bananas if there are NO bruises anywhere on them. Her new favorite food is peanut butter with coconut manna spread on top and jelly sandwiches. If she can make it. If I cut off the crusts. If it is on softer white bread.
So, why am I writing about Fiona's picky eating? Well, Brian and I have decided to eliminate animal products from our diet. We are slowly phasing in a plant based diet as we eat through the last of our meat items in the freezer. Health reasons...and don't give me your opinion about protein. We have decided not to include our children in the transition because frankly, Fiona would never eat again. She has become very nervous about the changes around here. She is scared to death that I am going to take away her organic milk and make her drink almond milk. She is worried that she won't get to eat bacon ever again. She thinks quinoa is freaky and brown rice is OK with lots of butter on it. The other day at Costco we were choosing some tortillas and she turned to me and asked, "Mom, why can't we just go back to the way you used to eat?" She is stressed. Even though none of the changes really affect her. We reassure her that we have no plans to force our eating on her but do feel she needs to try new foods.
It has been interesting to watch and frustrating to cook for her. Mackenzie is a tiny bit more go with the flow...but really eats close to nothing anyway so either way we are surprised she is gaining weight. I think parents of picky kids just want their kids to eat. I think I will continue to just choose items from her list for dinner and hope that as she grows she will become more brave about trying new foods. We do what we can, right moms?
Summer seems like a good time for change. I don't know about you, but when I feel even a little bit out of sorts I look around for things I can change around, fix, or redecorate. This past year has been such a whirlwind that I have piles of changes I have just waiting to be made. Many of them are with the kids. I just can't find anyone who wants them. Joking.
I have posted on FB recently about "Operation Big Girl" which is one of my summer projects for change. Some are changes that we are ready to make and some are changes that we are forcing out of necessity. The first of the changes went very smoothly. I told Mack we were going to give all of her sippy cups to another baby and start using straw cups. She was really excited to do that. Mack is going to be 4 in October but because of her behavior, we have to keep cups with lids for longer than we did with Fiona. Her sensory need for sucking also has meant that she has a sippy near by to help calm her as she downs 12 ounce cups of water in seconds. Well, the sippies are gone. We still have a straw cup and know how to use an open cup if behavior permits. We've changed. Change is good.
The next thing I plan to tackle is getting rid of the potty seat in the bathroom. As you know, Mack has CP and though you can't see most of the effects...she can sure feel them. Her body has a really hard time going poop on its own. She has to take daily laxatives and still doesn't go all the time. She sits and sits and it is very painful so we have left the potty longer than we wanted so she could have her feet on the floor and be as comfortable as possible. I'm officially done cleaning the potty and baby Mason is going to be gifted a meticulously scrubbed potty soon. I can't wait for this one.
The napping in panties came up when she was moved out of her preschool. She was able to sleep in a pull-up at the other school and now she won't be. So- I am under pressure (I'm seeing a Bowie theme here) to get her out of daytime pull-ups. She isn't ready for this. She was dry yesterday and got her 3 M&Ms and I think we will have more days like that scattered here and there. I haven't a clue if we can tackle this change. This one seems like her brain needs to initiate the change on its own. Time will tell.
Next week I will begin painting Mack's room (she surprisingly chose pink) and will paint the furniture in Fi's bedroom. We are making Fi's room a big-girl room with a desk instead of toy shelves. Mack has inherited the toy shelves and toys. She feels big now. I haven't wanted to change her room too much before this because up until now change has not been easy for her. Now it seems like she can roll with it. She's getting a twin bed with orange polka-dot sheets and she can't wait.
I like change. I think I could repaint my bedroom every year. I search for order by changing things I have control over. I think the changes we are making around here are going to help move us forward to living a little more. I know it doesn't seem that getting rid of a sippy cup or a potty can make much difference. Really what it does is proves to me that even though our life has been crazy ass, we can move forward and grow just like everyone else. And that has me dancing in the street.
