We are taught at a young age that it is OK to be different yet we strive to be alike. Not in every way of course. But who doesn't sit at friend's dinner party looking around and wishing your house was as cute. Or your view was as nice. Or your waist was as small. Or your boobs were as big. Or your whatever was as whatever. We teach our children to be happy with themselves, yet many times we are not happy with who we are as adults. I think most times I'm pretty happy with who I am, but my mind tends to wander when I am feeling less than satisfied with the status quo.
When I think of my children, I think of how different they are and how much I love them for their uniqueness. I see my beautiful children and love them so very much and so very differently. Of course the love isn't different, it just blankets them in different ways. I have one little girl who loves to be held and touched and have her back scratched endlessly. She wants kisses and needs to touch me if she is near me. I love that. I have another little girl who races past me and leaves me in a cloud which sprinkles me with her kind of love. She doesn't want me to hold her much. She doesn't want her back scratched or to touch me without it being her idea. I know this child loves me with all her heart but shows it is a more distant way. Yet, I feel the same attachment to both. I love that a heart is able to tell what kind of love to give and how to receive what comes back.
I am learning how to live life in a snowflake kind of way. A way that is beautiful like every other life. It is unique and different than others. But it is a beautiful life. It is full of stress sometimes. It is full of uncontrollable energy. But in the end it is full of my snowflakes. They sprinkle themselves around me and fill our house with their own special beauty. Unique. Different.
And yes. When I come to your house for dinner, I will wish I had your vaulted ceiling.
My day was defined at 5:20 AM when my comb fell into the unflushed toilet. It was Monday and my comb knew it better than anyone. I fished it out and sprayed it to hell with bleach and left it in the sink to soak. Then, while flat ironing my hair I dragged the flat iron cord through the bleach and then across my top. Yes.
Now, be prepared because I think I just need to vent today.
We are getting ready for another medicine trial for Mack. I'm very uncomfortable with this one. The stimulant didn't work. Time to try the depressant. The doctor told me that she may be so sedated that she'll want to sleep all day. Well, that will solve all our problems won't it? No thanks. But. We'll give it a try. First we have to do an EKG to make sure her heart is OK since this drug has a reputation of slowing down the heart. Gulp.
I prep this child for 2 days for the EKG. If you've had one you know that it entails having sticky tabs across your chest, on your arms, and on your legs. Wires are clipped to the tabs and the test is pretty quick. We talked ahead of time about the stickers she would have on her chest. We talked about the machine and the sound it would make. We were ready!
Appointment is at 3:30. Normally we wait 45 minutes to see the doctor which gives her time to play with the germ laden bus in the waiting room. Of course, not today. Today we are seen right away which totally disrupts Mack's routine at the doctor and she shuts down. I have to drag her in where she refuses to stand on the scale. The nurse and I decide that 5 minutes on the bus and then try again is a good idea. Nope. We messed with her rules and we were gonna pay.
Once we are in the room the hour long battle begins. She doesn't want the stickers on her. We chase her from chair to chair to table to floor to ceiling. After letting her put her own on, the amazing nurse manages to get all of them on. Then. The wires. There is no way in hell that we are getting these wires on her. We tried the whole "alligator wants to bite your stickers" shit and still no wires. I had them on my chest and arms. Nope. I had them hooked to my sweater. Nope. Nothing. She then tells me she wants a shi shi cup (pee cup) and I tell her she can have one to play in the tub once the wires are on. Nope. So, I reminded her that heart test ice cream only can happen for girls who wear the wires. Nope. (And then Fi starts crying when the ice cream isn't happening) I pack up my stuff and begin to move for the door. She decides wires if she can put them on. We get all but 2 of them on. She WILL NOT LET US TOUCH HER LEGS. It won't work without all of them attached. So, after an hour of frustration and sweating...we get nothing. And we can't start the meds until the test is done. So, next Monday I get to go through the same ordeal again. And the medication is put on hold.
This is really hard. She takes a lot of management and preparation for things that seem so easy for most people. I'm used to it. I'm pretty good at it. But it wears me out. And, here I am at 11 at night writing instead of sleeping. I soak-in my alone time. No matter when it comes.
Tomorrow, my plan is to keep my comb clean and my kid happy. It's what I do.
