Judy Moody

When you have a baby you fully expect to lose your pre-baby body.  I expected the lack of sleep.  I knew that life would change.  What I didn't know is that I was going to become a lunatic at the drop of a hat.  This didn't happen right away.  It happened after I had Mack.  Coincidence- perhaps.  Age- perhaps.  Reality- definitely.  I am now moody...not all the time...but often enough that it drives me nuts.

I know it is related to my hormones which never went back to "normal" like I thought they would.  I have a couple days each month where I just drop into either the pit of despair or into a mood where I am just not happy and every single thing bugs me for no reason.  I used to be able to pinpoint what was bothering me.  Now- it's nothing and everything.  And I have no control over it.  I can't even fake a good mood for my kids' sake because they bug me and I don't even want to smile for them when I feel like this.  Exhaustion doesn't help the situation. 

I blame it on my hormones but really that doesn't help make it better.  I've been there this weekend.  Not too bad this month but definitely not myself.  I go from calm to totally annoyed in seconds.  Brushing my child's teeth is incredibly trying for me.  Having her smear yogurt on the table and her booster seat sends me over the edge.  Dealing with a difficult child when I am also acting like a difficult child is...well...difficult.  For everyone.  Poor Fiona keeps asking me if I am angry at her.  I just keep reminding her that I too have a big bubble at times and need my space.  What I really want to tell her is to get the F out of my face and leave me alone.  I feel so terrible and so irrational. 

I've thought about meds.  Not interested.  I exercise 5 days a week.  It helps.  Kenpo is awesome when you feel like punching someone in the face.  I often thank the stars that I am rational enough to not take my aggression out on my children.  I see how parents can go over the edge and overreact physically toward their children.  I am thankful for the tiny inch of sanity that I have to keep me from that because I have had moments where the time-out I give Mack is to give me time to calm down before I deal with her deal. 

I toast all you parents who get up every day and do what you do for your children.  Bad moods, headaches, illness, and such...you go on.  Because you love your children.  I love being a mama and have taken one for the team as I have given up my sanity to be one.  I would do it again in a heartbeat. 

Stream of Consciousness

My thoughts are always all over the place...and I'm always thinking about something. I can't keep a thought in my head for more than a minute and if I don't write it down, I forget whatever it is that you want me to do. It's just how I've become. Since having kids I guess. I've also become somewhat of a sap. I cry in kids movies, commercials, and when my kid looks at me just so.

I know, where am I going with this? Well, last night Brian and I watched The Descendants. I knew nothing about the movie other than that it was filmed partly on Kauai and it was sad. As we were watching it I began thinking about how great it is that Brian and I actually live in Hawaii. When I saw the scene at the Lihue airport I got mushy because it is where I live. When they were driving in the Jeep past Kealia I felt excited because this is where my children were born. When they were walking on Hanalei beach I was thinking about all the little waves my kids will surf by the pier. While I'm watching the movie I begin to think about how Brian and I ended up here. How our children came to be from Hawaii.

Brian and I lived in Santa Cruz for a few years. We wanted to be near the ocean and the mountains. We liked it a lot for a while. Then, we were ready to find a place to set down some roots. We went back and forth about Hawaii. I was sick of scraping ice off my windshield and fighting off raccoons when I got in my car in the morning. When we got married we went to Fiji for our honeymoon. I remember taking a boat to Frigates with a guy named Dan. He and his wife Sharon ran a surf camp where we would honeymoon. He told us how he used to live in Hawaii and that when he decided to leave California he basically asked himself whether he wanted to be poor in California or poor in Hawaii. In that one moment. The decision was made. A year later we gave each other one-way plane tickets for our first wedding anniversary. Twelve years later I'm blogging about it. History.

So, as my mind is thinking of all this while I watch the movie- George Clooney is racing up the highway toward Hanalei. Across the room from me I see a tiny little hand print on the window. The hand print makes me cry. At first I can't figure out why. I'm watching a movie thinking about Kauai and this hand print is a tiny reminder for me about what this is all about. It made me think about a tiny painting I made my mom ages ago. It is in a little red frame. It is a picture of a rainbow and says, "Rainbows are apologies for angry skies." This hand print was an apology. I know it was. It was a small tap on my heart. Life is really challenging right now and this hand print was a reminder for me to think about my children. To remember how little they are. My girls' hand prints won't always be on my windows and that makes me little bit sad.

It is funny how one thing can lead to so many different thoughts. I like that about my sappy craziness. I like that I am able to notice a hand print on a window and instead of feeling the need to clean it, I am able to find a reason for it to be there. I should put the same effort into figuring out the reason for the piles of paper on my counter. Nah.

Reciprocity

Fiona is one of the most amazing souls I know. She has such a big heart full of compassion for others. She loves her sister so much. She tries every day to feel that same love from Mackenzie. Mackenzie loves Fiona in a different way. Not less...just more distantly. Mackenzie does not want to be hugged. She does not want Fiona to hold her unless it is her idea. This breaks Fiona's heart every day. It breaks my heart every day to see Fiona so sad because she feels rejected.

Last summer at one of our Mack meetings, we discussed Mackenzie's triggers. Sadly, Fiona is one of them. Fiona tries so incredibly hard that she drives Mackenzie over the edge. When I wake Mack in the morning, she only wants me in her room. If Fi walks in and tries to hug Mack, she gets smacked in the face and her hair pulled. I remind Fi daily that Mack needs some time before she is hugged. Nevertheless, she comes in for the hug and smack often.

When Mack watches TV, she sits right in front of the TV on the floor. Fi has to sit within inches of her and tries to put her on her lap. Mack hates it. She hates to be touched like that. She smacks Fi, throws her water bottle at the TV, throws the dog bone which hits Fi in the cheek and now they are both crying. Fiona is again sad because she is unwanted. I am sad too.

Brian and I struggle with dealing with these interactions. We have to punish Mackenzie for her behavior and yet she was provoked. We have to punish Fiona when we know she oversteps her bounds knowingly and creates a volatile situation. It feels so unfair to do to Mack and so unfair to Fiona.

I can see that this is wearing on Fiona. She is a very loved girl. The sun rises and sets in Fiona as far as I am concerned. I tell her that constantly. She doesn't want to hear it from me. She wants to hear it from Mackenzie. The days are few and far between where Mack will seek out physical contact with Fiona. When those moments happen, I am such a happy mama. When I can see Fiona with Mackenzie sitting on her lap happily or a mutual hug, I see a future where they can be best friends like we all hope our kids are. I don't want Fi to grow up resentful of Mackenzie's lack of attachment to her. I know things will change at some point. By the time Mack is ready, Fi will be way too cool to hang with her sissy. Then Mack can feel left out and we'll all be messed up and yet balanced.

The Easter Bunny and the BVD's

Easter started early. At 5:40 I felt Fiona tapping on my leg telling me the night was too long and she wanted to get up. I begged for 15 minutes and tucked her in bed next to me. For the next 15 minutes I could only think of Frankenstein rolling around on the newspaper in the bed...a reference to Big Daddy. Anyway. I got up and got "dressed" and spent the next 10 minutes trying to keep Fiona from disassembling both Easter baskets on the table. Phew. Mack is up. She finds the baskets and gets PISSED that she can't open hers yet. I let them go in and wake Daddy at 6:18 so he can be present for the presents. Phew...time to dive in.

Fiona takes out her new Roxy slippers. She takes out her sidewalk chalk. She gets stoked that she got peanut butter eggs and promptly hands one to me since she knows I love them. I decline. She moves on to her new shirt. And so it goes. Mack. She is totally stoked about the chalk and gets upset because she can't open it so she throws it. She empties out her basket and proceeds to throw the pink cellophane grass all over the living room floor yelling- SNOW! It goes on like this.

We have pancakes for breakfast. Chocolate chip and don't forget to make Fiona's name with pancakes. Don't make Mack's name because she doesn't like to see an M on her plate. She prefers Mickey Mouse. But really she just digs the chocolate chips out and then moves on.

Time for the egg hunt. Mackenzie is wearing a long sleeve onesie with bikini bottoms over it and in the spirit of Easter photos I ask her to get dressed in something other than her pajamas. She chooses a salmon colored dress which just happens to be a twin with a dress Fiona has. After 15 minutes of wrestling, they are dressed and adorable. After 5 minutes of spitting on the floor by the door we head outside. Mackenzie is buzzing by now. Absolutely electric.

EGGS! The Easter Bunny has hidden both plastic and real eggs. Both girls are happily gathering as many as they can- though Fi grabs more. The hunt is almost over. Mack's dress is off. Earlier in the day, Fi chose a pair of race car BVD's for Mackenzie that she is now sporting in our front yard with her basket. She discovers that there is money in some of the eggs. She finds chocolate in one. To make it easier she begins chucking her plastic eggs onto the driveway to pop them open and then oooh and aaaah at the contents. BOOM! An egg cracks. BOOM! Another. I'm cracking up. Nana is cracking up. She hucks one at the rock wall to get it open. Her style is intense.

Holidays are interesting. No matter how much I invest into making them special, I can't make them follow our routine. So, holidays are going to be hard. I think that her egg cracking style was our gift today. I have to admit that I love her energy. I have spicy children and life is exciting.