I love this. It makes me laugh and cry and really symbolizes everything thing wonderful and terrible about life. Hope, excitement, longing, love, and sadness. Life is all these things. And. Life is short. If you look at the clock as the minutes tick away it seems to go slowly. I look in the mirror these days and I see gray hairs. My hands are beginning to hurt. I never knew that age crept up so quickly.
The other night I was washing Fiona's back in the tub because she was under the weather. My hands felt the back of a big kid. Gone are those tiny bones I used to wrestle with in the soapy suds. She felt so sturdy and solid. She felt so close to being big enough to not need me in the same ways she has up until now. It made me feel a little bit sad.
I look at baby pictures of Mackenzie and so much of her babyhood feels like such a blur to me. We've been struggling so much for so long that time goes by and we don't even see it happen. Four years are gone. Not gone in the sense that I didn't experience anything and have nothing to show for it. Gone in that her tiny bones are growing as fast as Fiona's and I may have missed some of it while I was out and about searching for answers.
For 3 years I have wanted to have a tattoo of cherry blossoms done on my back. I have saved the money twice and have had to spend it on vet bills and other more responsible things. I think it is time for me to allow myself to do this for myself. Cherry blossoms. A small reminder of the brevity of life.
In a few weeks, I will turn 40. I met my husband 19 years ago. I have taught for 15 years. I have lived in Hawaii for almost 13 years. I have been a mother for 7 years. I have been the mother of a special needs child for 4 years. The years have been full and wonderful. But they are going very fast. What am I waiting for? And really, what are we all waiting for? Nike says, Just Do It. Perhaps it is good advice.
If you haven't noticed, I adore being a mother. I find parenting a small human to be a special art that one has to perfect and tweak every single day. I have had dreams of teaching actual parenting courses at some point in my life. I think I would be good at it. Maybe some day. Maybe for now, I'll focus on my own and if I don't ruin them...I will share what worked with others roaming aimlessly around the aisles of parenthood.
When it all started, Brian and I took a birthing class. It consisted of 6 weeks of preparing for the big day. Day. One single day. It seemed like a lot of preparation for something that in retrospect went by in the blink of an eye. I was thinking the other day about some things I might teach expecting parents if I were in charge.
For the actual birthing preparation my advice to expectant fathers would be easy. Brush your teeth so when you're in her face breathing like a maniac, you don't piss her off with your dragon breath. Next, wear something other than your Raiders T-shirt please. The pictures you take that day will go down in history.While I'm there...please don't wear a baseball cap. Look like you're at your child's birth and not t-ball practice. Done.
To mothers. Wearing a clothespin on your earlobe while practicing your breathing is simply not helpful. Childbirth hurts like a mother f-er and you just can't simulate it. Sure, the breathing gives you a focus but... My advice is to believe in yourself. Your body was made to have babies. Get an epidural or don't. Either way...that baby is coming regardless of whether you are Hee Hee Ha-ing. Watch "A Baby Story" and you'll be fine.
In our classes we had a lesson on how to diaper a baby. What should have been taught is how to change a baby who has shit up his/her back and is continuing to spew as you remove the diaper. There is an art to removing a onesie withoutsmearing it all over your child on the way up.
Another lesson was having to carry a doll around for the duration of the night's class. What should have been done was teaching me how to carry a 10 or even 20 pound bag of rice in one hand while going to the bathroom, making a sandwich, OK...just all day.
We had a class on how to install and buckle a car seat properly. What we weren't told is that the child we were expecting would eventually arch their body and punch us in the face while we did that simple task. I also was never told that the adorable print on my car seat would soon be saturated with piss.
I would teach these parents how to restrain a child with his/her leg on the floor while brushing his/her kids teeth.
Parents should be taught how to put down a sleeping child in a crib seamlessly. All creaks in the floor should be located and fixed before birth. Two hours of rocking can be spoiled in one faulty step and then the f-word is taught to your child at too young an age.
What about a class titled, "Three Different Thirty Minute Meals". Really...you are either a magician or a darn liar if you sit at a table and always eat the same meal as your kids. It takes talent to pull that off.
I would make sure to include a class on vomit. My memories of vomiting as a child are of me leaned over the toilet with my parent rubbing my back or putting a cool cloth on the back of my neck. I have no memories of vomiting as a wee one. So...none of us are prepared the first time our baby actually pukes. They don't say, "Uh, mom I think I am going to throw up." They just do...no matter where they are. I was not prepared when it happened. The parents in my class will be ready.
I think it should be mentioned that although it is great when your child is stable enough to sit in the shopping cart, it isn't forever. One day you will actually have to shop with two kids walking next to the cart. Octopus hands will grab every glass bottle on the shelves. "Clean up on aisle 5" has been heard over the intercom several times in my life as a mom.
At the end of my dream parenting course I would be sure to add that your heart will function in ways you never thought it would. You won't love your children in the conventional way that love works. It is a different kind of love. Very unlike the love you have for anyone else. It is a love that makes you stare at your children until you cry. You will find yourself sniffing their hair when you hug them. You will open their door at bedtime just to look at them. Your clothing will be covered with food and unmentionable fluids and you won't care. I guess it really is something you can't prepare for...but that is up to you to decide.
I got pregnant with Fiona and I read all the books. Yes. The Books. They taught me that at week 10 she should be doing this. At week 24 she should be doing this. By year 2 I can expect that she should be doing xyz. And, pretty much they were right on. You know, those books we buy that we use as our bibles because we don't know what in the hell we're doing? OK, the MW sleep book was actually my bible. I know other moms who would agree.
Mackenzie followed NONE of the books. I tried so hard to follow along on her week long plan like "The Book" said she was supposed to do. But, we kept falling behind. So, I bought a different book. It too was wrong. So, my good friend got pregnant and now owns all the books for her kid who follows the rules like the book says he should.
What if...we got rid of all the expectations of those damn books and just did what we felt was right? What if we followed our instincts and just let life guide us in the right direction? Really. Think about it. How many of you readers are wearing a diaper and sucking on a pacifier? How many of you still sleep with your mom? How many of you think broccoli is evil poison? None right? OK, broccoli may still freak some of you out but you just haven't discovered ranch dressing yet. My point is...all the things that society makes us feel like bad parents about disappear like they are supposed to. Some go away because we follow "the book". Some go away because time changes us and we replace our needs with new things.
I have had to learn that my Mackenzie does not follow the rules like the book says she is supposed to. She spits on those books. She will one day write the book for kids who don't follow the book. And...we're making it. We're doing it in a different way and she surprises us every day. I just have different expectations for her. Fiona was sleeping in panties by 2 1/2 and I bet Mack will still be in a pull-up at night in kindergarten. So what? Fiona was able to drink from an open cup at the table very early. Mack throws it across the room and still uses a sippy cup. So what? Fiona's pacifier flew up into the sky on a balloon at 2 1/2. Mackenzie can't go anywhere without her "Bygee" (blankie). So what?
My plan is to focus on what they need now and worry about the rest later. I will continue to push broccoli at dinner time in a friendly way because as much as I think dark leafy green vegetables are important...I also think a calm happy family dinner is important too. I say that like I have had a calm happy dinner recently. Ha.
