I can't do this.

I remember a friend telling me that during childbirth there would be a moment when you felt like you just couldn't take it anymore...right when it was almost over. It was true. During childbirth. Child rearing not so much. I told myself today a few times that I can't do this. During childbirth I remember yelling the same thing between contractions. Brian kept saying, "You are doing this." So...today when I tried to convince myself that I can't do this, I also reminded myself that I AM doing this.

I posted on Facebook the other day that Mackenzie had a day with no time-outs. I didn't even realize it until the evening. Don't get me wrong, I knew the day was different- smoother...but I never realized she hadn't sat in her corner. Everything I do with Mackenzie is with sensory needs in mind. I pack her backpack a little heavy, I ask her to carry the groceries into the house, I allow her to run when others have to walk. I can't do a load of laundry without keeping my eye on the timer so she can sit for the entire 9 minute spin cycle and vibrate her sensory bones. I can't let her climb down from the stool. I have to grab her hands and hang her there for a few seconds in hopes that I might fill a tiny sensory pocket that may have needed a refill. Perhaps on her one good day this week I got all her pockets full.

I have come to realization that I just have my hands full. Over flowing. To the brim. They are full of excitement, energy, curiosity, beauty, intelligence, creativity, and love. I get nuzzles in the midst of the craziness and the brief smell of my girls' hair reminds me that I actually can do this. I want to do this. I just need to step back breathe every so often.